Brendan Patterson has been condemned to life on Earth, taken away and force fed video disasters. I’m not sure he’s liked anything he’s been given to watch, but his take downs are always amusing and once again he’s not disappointed.
Back in the olden days, in a time called the 1980’s, the then modern phenomena of direct to video movies and pre-Perestroika Cold War paranoia, resulted in some remarkably terrible films. Cheap and cheerful, post-nuclear dystopian hell flicks were plentiful for home rental fun and one of the very worst examples of the genre, as according to me, is Creepozoids – a film of truly staggering awfulness.
The decision to re-release Creepozoids on DVD in the 21st century is a curious decision at best. This particular effort ‘plopped out’ the creative crevice of Charles Band‘s Full Moon Productions in 1987, a movie house not exactly renowned for it’s consistent commitment to quality. Creepozoids intentionally does nothing to alter that reputation, cheerfully regurgitating as it does, most of what’s cliched and really horrid of its particular type and form.
Cue near apocalyptic future setting following East-West nuclear holocaust. Check!
Cue unlikely, ragtag gang of survivors. Check!
Cue discovery of a spooky, abandoned military complex. Check!
Cue contrived decision to set-up home there despite the presence of horribly mutilated corpses. Check!
Cue discovery of a secret military conspiracy. Check!
Cue cast being killed by genetically mutated but unconvincing creatures. Check!
For the sake of balance, it is worth mentioning that Creepozoids does bring its own creative flourishes to the threadbare narrative. Typically these include: a man in a large rubber alien suit with wobbly tusks, large rodent puppets, a character who spews black goo over the breakfast table while simultaneously wiggling a weird prosthetic hand and an unforgettable animatronic slimy mutant baby that goes toe to toe with fully grown man in the film’s finale. That’s not to suggest that any of this is actually any good though.
Unquestionably the marketing hook of Creepozoids and dare I say it, realistically its only real reason to exist is the presence of scream queen Linnea Quigley‘s breasts. For connoisseurs of their work it must be said, however, that Creepozoids does not represent their greatest performance on the silver screen. In my book their career highlight is their unforgettable jiggling antics in Return of the Living Dead. Closely followed by their bravura, against type surrealist lipstick absorbing turn in Night of the Demons.
The original VHS packaging of Creepozoids relied heavily on the presence of Ms Quigley and her exposed assists. In the film they’re on screen for approximately 54 seconds by my stopwatch (yes I timed it!) and are crowbarred into proceedings by the presence of a fully operational shower (surely a must for any spooky military complex), a love interest / fuck buddy with an Elvis quiff and the unforgettable line “you’re going to come and lather up my backside!”.
Creepozoids is intensely crusty entertainment. The latest release from 88 Films does a good job as far as is possible with the source material, reissuing it in a neatly presented package. In fact, I’d go so far to say that it’s probably the best ever version of Creepozoids that’s likely to ever have reason to exist. There’s also a fun trailer on the disk, which features an incredible and completely nonsensical boast: Creepozoids! Even if you kill them, they’re still deadly!
For the record and in the interests of at least trying to do a good job, I watched Creepozoids three times in order to write this. Once sober. Again while drunk and then again while sober. I may have watched Creepozoids more times than anyone in London, possibly even the world and I can say hand on heart, it’s total shit.
In conclusion then, Creepozoids, a film so bad it’s very, very bad. I mean it’s really bad. Yes it’s really, really that awful. My recommendation? Go watch instead at least that has Klaus Kinksi in it for about five minutes sleepwalking his way to collecting a paycheck and despite him being a very evil man indeed. But that’s another story….